Abundant Grace Fall 2014

Part Eight

Lexie's POV

Conversations buzzed all around me while the continual drone of rain beat against the window pane. Yet I heard nothing. It was as though the world was dead to me. I felt vacant inside; only able to stare into the blank space and toss the salt shaker back and forth. All the while, despondent thoughts whirled around in my head. “Why is this so hard for me to do?” I asked myself, struggling with what was about to transpire. “Why can’t I just voice what’s wrong? I can’t keep going on like this! I must—”

“Lexie,” he spoke softly, trying to lure me gently back to the present, causing my eyes to shift to meet his concerned ones. I furrowed my eyebrows, confusion masking my expression. As if reading my thoughts, he gave a small smile. “Have you decided what you’re going to order yet?” he asked as he gestured toward the menus. I hesitated slightly, causing him to raise an eyebrow before voicing slowly, “You...just want me to order our specialty?”

After I gave him a nod of approval, he signaled the waitress while I began to fumble with the salt shaker again. It wasn’t long before dad’s soft chuckle filled the air and his hand reached over to retrieve the wobbling salt shaker. “If you keep this up much longer, you’re going to burn a hole in their table,” my dad teased. Awkwardly, I gave a slight smile and shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to say. Silence fell, and right away, I knew what was coming.

“I spoke with your mom the other day,” Dad said cautiously, watching me for a reaction. But I only bit my lower lip and held my breath, waiting for him to continue. He took my silence as a positive sign and went on to say, “She said it appears that you’ve been—struggling a little bit since I’ve been gone.”

“He’s beating around the bush!” I thought. Already, I was beginning to feel as though I were backed into a corner, rapidly causing my emotional walls to grow thicker. Totally faking it, I started to lie with, “I’m fine, really. It’s just stress.”

“Lexie,” he whispered urgently. While concern filled his eyes, he reached across the table for my hand, trying to gain my full attention. He added, sternness and compassion dripping heavily from each word, “For once, just tell me straight out, okay? We need to know. We are all worried about you.”

At that, a wave of mixed emotions swept over me, and I couldn’t look him in the eye anymore without feeling another piece of my hard interior crumbling. Raising a hand, I began to rub my throbbing temple and opened my mouth. However, the many words that were sitting on the tip of my tongue refused to come out.

Moments passed slowly before Dad finally gave a soft sigh and leaned back into his chair. He knew that I’d open back up to him when I was fully ready; it was only a matter of time.

“So,” he drawled, now trying to change the conversation to a lighter mood, “how has Ian been doing lately?”

“I—haven’t really spoken to him in awhile,” I answered truthfully, feeling a pang of guilt rush through me while I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. In the back of my mind, I knew exactly how long it had been since I’d had a decent conversation with Ian—two and a half weeks. Sure, I had seen him since then, but the atmosphere of our meetings had changed greatly.

It was then that our food arrived, and it couldn’t have been better timing. The aroma of hamburger patties and melted cheese surrounded our table. I breathed it all in as I stared at the full plate in front of me.

“Dig in,” my dad exclaimed as soon as he had blessed the food. I eyed my fat cheeseburger one more time before picking it up and taking a big bite. I closed my eyes at the blissful taste as it exploded in my mouth. “This is good,” I commented as I waved the burger slightly.

Grinning, he doused the edge of his hamburger in ketchup before taking a large bite, causing ketchup to smear across the side of his face. I tapped the side of my face, “You’ve got a little something there,” I chuckled.

He suddenly froze. “What is it?” I asked, handing him a napkin.

His grin grew as he said cheekily, “You just laughed.”

By now, a smile had implanted itself on my lips. For the first time in a long time, I had a feeling everything was about to change for the better.

Abundant Grace Summer 2014

Part Seven

I was left with my thoughts of yesterday; morning had come and gone, leaving behind rays of light cascading about. It was then, as I found myself pouring a second cup of coffee, that I decided to check on Lexie. I knew she had had another nightmare, for I had heard her crying out in her sleep. I wished I could help her somehow, someway; but she tended to put up shields of steel, preventing people from getting too close. The only one that had seemed able to break through this barrier was Ian, but now he didn’t seem to come around anymore. My heart was breaking as I was forced to watch from the sidelines as Lexie continued to live in this manner. When she was young, things had been different. We had used to live in harmony, but now all that holds our “family” together is nothing but a thin, unraveling thread.

When I reached Lexie’s door, I hesitated. An all-too-familiar silence greeted me. Softly, I pushed the door open, hoping that the hinges wouldn’t protest. As the hallway’s light cast beams into her darkened room, they revealed my forlorn daughter lying curled up in the fetal position. Her eyebrows were drawn tightly together, and her lower lip quivered, causing soft whimpers to escape from her mouth. I sighed heavily and quickly closed the door, pausing as I leaned against it. I had promised her that I would not do anything about this: the insomnia, the nightmares, the unhealthy eating habits. But if I didn’t do something soon, what would that classify me as? People say a promise is a promise regardless of the circumstances, but when someone loves unconditionally, would it not be better to break your word than watch a person hurt themselves again and again? It would take only one phone call to elicit help... Without a doubt, whether this was right or wrong, I thumbed through my phone’s contact list, stopping when the name appeared.

“Good morning, this is Dr. Randle’s office,” the receptionist answered. “How may I assist you?”

“Hello,” I greeted softly, taking a step away from Lexie’s bedroom. “This is Anna Gunzila. By chance, is Dr. Randle available?”

“Yes. One moment please, Mrs. Gunzila. I will transfer your call.”

“Thank you.”

I had to wait only a moment before the line was reconnected. “Hello, Anna? Is everything all right?”

“Ye-” I started to stammer, but stopped before continuing. “No, Aaron...to be truthful, it isn’t. I have already spoken to my husband, Greg, regarding this, and he requested me to call you only as my last resort. As an old family friend, we now need your help more than ever.”

Silence hung in the air before Aaron breathed, “This is concerning Lexie, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but how did you-”

He gave a soft chuckle, “My son, Ian, has already informed me regarding bits and pieces. The poor lad is totally beside himself. Apparently, the two of them are on the “outs” at the moment, for Lexie has been ignoring him over the past week or so.”

I winced, “Hmmm, at least Greg and I aren’t the only ones receiving the cold shoulder.”

“This is not like her, Anna.”

“I agree,” I said without hesitating. “Maybe if she were only acting this way toward us, her parents, we would say that it was an act of rebellion, but Ian too? For the life of us, neither Greg nor I can find the source of this...major issue.”

Aaron sighed, “Well, something has to be triggering Lexie in order for her to be reacting this way.”

I bit my lip, debating whether or not I should request this. Ready to reap any future consequences, I took a deep breath and went on to say, “Maybe, if I bring her in for an appointment, we might be able to get the answers we seek?”

“What kind of answers?” he drawled out, not truly following where this was all heading.

“Answers to why she is having nightmares every night!” I began to gush. “Why she hasn’t been eating-”

“Wait,” Aaron cut in. “She’s not eating?” I hesitated slightly, “No. Well, not much anyway.”
“Bring her tomorrow morning at nine. I will speak to her then.”

I closed my eyes, gratitude filling my heart, “Thank you, Aaron.”

“Anytime,” he replied sincerely before saying goodbye.

As I echoed my own goodbye and disconnected the call, I raised a hand to wipe away a stream of tears. Then, I took a deep breath before turning around, only to freeze in my tracks.

With perspiration running down her ashen face, Lexie stumbled back a step, shaking her head in disbelief. “Mom,” she whispered hoarsely, “you broke your promise.”

Abundant Grace Spring 2014

Part Six

The room was dark, the air tense, unsettling. Already, fear had engaged itself deep in my heart. I was tired and chilled to the bone, huddled in a corner, shaking like a leaf in the midst of a fierce storm. All the while, raspy voices surrounded me, whispering in my ear, “Alone you are, deep in darkness, where no light can ever exist. Here you shall reside, forever in this black, forbidden pit.
“Please, nooo!” I cried out, bolting upright in my bed, my chest rising and falling. I drew in a shaky intake of breath, realizing it was yet another nightmare. By now, unwanted tears welled behind my eyelids, making me close my eyes. Licking my dry lips, trying to force the tears away, I re-opened my eyes, only to stare straight ahead, drawing a blank. With a sigh, I glanced at the clock: 1:13 a.m.
With one swift movement, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and pushed myself off, refusing to go back to sleep, knowing the nightmares would only return. With my mind made up, I trudged toward the door, opening it quietly, hoping that a refreshing drink would calm me down. It was then, as I stood at the top of the stairs with my hand resting on the railing, that I heard muffled voices. I froze, curiosity growing within.
I crept slowly toward my mom’s bedroom before placing my ear against the door, listening carefully. Then, pushing it open slightly, I peeked in, spying my mom sitting in a chair, her back to me. I could see her reflection in the window.
“I just don’t know what to do, Greg.” She spoke softly, her phone resting in her lap, hinting that the incoming caller was on speaker phone. “She barely eats a handful at each meal, she gets less than three hours of sleep each night due to nightmares... I—it just seems that she is so unhappy. Depressed even...What if it is my—” “Anna, don’t say that,” my father cut in sternly. Before silence fell between them, he added more gently, “It is not your fault.”
My mom then raised her hand, anxiously running it through her hair. “Who’s to blame?” she whispered, as a single tear graced her cheek. “Greg, please...can’t you see how much this is hurting me?”
“This is hurting me just as much as you,” my father sighed heavily. “Even though I am not there now, that does not mean I don’t care about you or Lexie.” My heart froze at the mention of my name as he continued saying, “We are still a family. Even though I am halfway across the United States, away from you guys, that will never change. Do you understand that?”
“Of course,” Mom voiced. Then continuing in a subdued tone, she added, “I understand that it’s your job that causes you to work so many hours...but truly, when was the last time you were home for more than two days?”
“Anna, that’s not—”
“What, Greg? What’s not fair?” she choked back. “What’s not fair is that you’re always away on business. It’s hard enough to go through all of this with Lexie. Alone.”
Dad exclaimed then, empathy dripping from his words, “Sweetie, Darling, no. Please don’t ever think that you are alone in this! God will always be with you.” His voice suddenly grew quieter as he sincerely stated, “As will I, till death do us part.”
At that, a gentle, adoring smile tugged at the corners of my mom’s lips, resting there briefly, before disappearing completely. She then countered, “That still doesn’t solve the problem at hand. What do I do with Lexie? I can’t bear to watch as she
continually puts herself through this. It’s not like her at all. Anger just seems to be radiating from her constantly. Greg...she needs you.”
Dad sighed, “I know... But in the meantime, give her some time, Anna, and pray for her, earnestly. Only God can intervene.”
“You’re right,” she mused quietly.
“Aren’t I always?” Dad teased.
Mom laughed, her eyes illuminated, “Perhaps, but I thought I was the one who is always right.”
“Well,” my dad drawled out, “that’s debatable.”
“Mmm, got me there...” Mom continued to tease until a comfortable silence fell.
Seconds later, breaking the stillness, my dad said compassionately, “Anna, I love you.”
Tears of happiness filled her eyes as she echoed, “I love you too, Greg.” But catching sight of the time, she added reluctantly, “It’s late, and you have work tomorrow.”
“Ah, that’s life.”
Mom shook her head, a smile remaining on her lips, “Byyye, Greg,” she voiced in a sing-song manner.
“Bye, Anna,” Dad bid farewell.
With that, a click filled the air, indicating that the call had been disconnected. I remained frozen in place hiding behind the door. My heart felt heavier than ever. As a single tear slid down my cheek, I felt a part of my hard outer shell crumble. Then, into the darkness, I whispered softly, “What is wrong with me?”