Abundant Grace Winter 2013

Part Five

“What was he thinking?” I seethed while trudging down the abandoned street. "It's not even like he had to lie," I continued to fume, realizing that Ian wasn't the person who I had thought he was. Now he was gone, all because he chose to keep the secret of his faith in God. It seemed just like yesterday when everything had been perfect, or so I had thought. Already, my life appeared to be on the decline while roots of bitterness entwined my heart.

Within seconds, a wave of fury swept over me as an aggravated cry escaped from my lips. Using my rage, I kicked a tin can and stood there, watching it as it crashed into a nearby trash bin.

“Just breathe, Lexie! Inhale, exhale,” I admonished myself, knowing that I had to calm down before I did something I would come to regret.

It was then that I became aware of the vibration in my pocket. Grabbing my phone, I glanced at the caller ID, my eyes widening. “What in the world?" I growled through gritted teeth, debating whether or not to answer it. With hesitation, I slid my finger across the screen, accepting the incoming call. “You have five. Use it wisely.”

“Hey, Sweetie,” my dad exclaimed, seeming unfazed by my blunt greeting. “How’s it going?”

“What do you want?” I ground out, clenching my backpack strap tightly.

He chuckled softly, seeming amused by my brash behavior. “Lexie, can’t I call my own daughter every now and then?”

“No,” I answered deadpan.

It was then that a soft intake of breath came from his end of the line before he continued, “So how’s senior year? Keeping up your grades, I hope!”

I replied, “I’m sorry, but is this your version of small talk? In fact, is there a particular reason why you called?”

“Well,” he drawled out, “I was going to see if you wanted to meet me and have lunch. I have something I have been meaning to talk—“

“Uh-uh,” I interrupted before he could finish.

A brief silence filled the air. “Lexie, please," he sighed, "I’m really trying here!”

I exclaimed, tired of playing this game, “Then do yourself a favor and stop!”

“Lexie, I—“

“No, Dad!” I snapped, hostility brewing within. “Do you realize that when you left Mom, you left me as well?"

"I didn't leave you guys!" he began to say firmly. "Your mother and I agreed that it would be best if we separated."

"Dad, the key word here is L-E-F-T," I interjected bluntly.

I could envision him narrowing his eyes as he replied, "No, I mean separated. Lexie, we surely needed a break, just long enough to figure things out."

"Do you mean time away from Mom, to see if you still love her?"

"No! I will always love your mom! She is—"

"Then why did you leave?" I whispered.

He sighed, hurt consuming his words, "Sweetie, what must I say to make you understand that I didn't leave you?"

I fell silent, tears threatening to spill from the corners of my eyes, feeling as though my exterior wall was beginning to crumble.

"Lexie," Dad spoke softly, as if afraid to break the silence. "Honey, just give me a chance. I promise everything will be okay. God's abundant grace will help us pull through this trial! You'll see."

It took only a total of two seconds for his words to register, possibly softening my heart. "You know what, Dad?" I asked in a tired tone. "I actually have to go. So, umm, g-goodbye."

"Okay, Sweetie. Remember, I love you, and so does God," he said sincerely.

Upon hearing those words, I bit my lip before saying quietly, "Yeah, I know." And that was the end of our conversation. I took a deep breath, pushed open the back door to my house and was welcomed by the smell of fried chicken.

My mom greeted me with, "Hey, Sweet Pea! You will never guess who I ran into—" Stopping in mid-sentence, she caught sight of my countenance and asked with concern filling her eyes, "What's wrong?"

I debated whether or not I should tell her. With my mind made up, I gave a half smile, raised my phone and waved it slightly. "Dad just called me."

Instantly, true understanding surfaced. Cautiously, she approached me, wrapping her loving arms around me, and we stood there hugging each other. For once, for the first time in a very long time, something felt normal.

Abundant Grace Fall 2013

Part Four

It was during last period when I finally excused myself from the classroom, pleading a headache. However, in truth, I just could not stand the thought of being in that enclosed room one more second. At that moment, everything was putting me on edge: from the teachers’ useless rantings to the classmate behind me who was constantly tapping a pencil on his desk. Two simple words can clearly describe how I felt—utterly annoyed.

Now I found myself aimlessly roaming the narrow hallways, the sound of my footsteps bouncing off the walls. With each step I took, I drifted a little bit further into my own little world, growing more and more confused. It seemed as though all I could think of were those last words Ian had uttered to me earlier, “I will never abandon you...and neither will God.” To say the least, as soon as those words had registered in my mind, I had instantly felt more abandoned and quite alone. After that, it was only a short time before I had completely shut down Ian, closing off all contact. Now I was trying to avoid him at all cost. I had decided that if by chance we met anytime in the future, I would simply act as if I had never, ever known him. First it was my dad, then my mom; and now my best friend, Ian, was just admitting that he too believed in God!

With my jaw muscles tensing, I gripped my backpack’s straps more tightly, trying to still my shaking hands. “Why am I feeling like this?” I whispered, “Why?” It was then that I broke free from these troubling thoughts as a nearby door slammed shut and heavy footsteps echoed off the walls behind me. “Lexie!” he called out, but I ignored him and quickly picked up my pace, focusing on the nearest exit. “Will you wait up for a sec?” he pleaded.

“Almost there! Just a few more steps,” I thought as my hand was just a few inches away from touching the door handle. “Just a few—”

“Lexie, stop!” Ian growled through clenched teeth. He yanked me to a complete stop. Facing me completely, he murmured lowly, “I thought I told you to stop...”

Okay, if he wanted to play that card, then fine. I narrowed my eyes and said in a too sweet voice, “And I thought that I told you earlier to leave me alone. Clearly you didn’t get the message!” At my response, Ian furrowed his eyebrows and exploded with, “For Pete’s sake! What is wrong with you? You have been acting like this all day!”

“Nothing is wrong with me!” I cried.

At that, he looked me dead in the eye, not believing a single word I had just spoken, “You’re fine?” he said as if it were a joke.

I hesitated slightly before answering softly as I stared hard at the floor, “Yes.”

“Then why have you been avoiding me all day? Was it something that I said? Something I did?” he exclaimed in an exasperated tone.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I struggled for the words, “I...I...”

Ringgggggg. The last bell sounded just as the classroom doors swung open and crowds of students came pouring out. I let a sigh of relief escape through my lips as the hallway quickly filled with students scurrying all around us, trying to navigate to an exit or their lockers. I yelled above the crowd, “I have to go.”

With one last glance toward Ian, I disappeared into the crowd and slipped out the door only to be welcomed by a cold blast of air hitting my face. With my heart heavy, I started the long trek home, longing for someone to understand, to listen. But there was no one...no one.

With my heart heavy,

I started the long trek home,

longing for someone to understand, to listen.

But there was no one...no one.

Abundant Grace Summer 2013

Part Three

I was lost deep in thought while I stood on the curb waiting for the school bus to arrive. I had so many emotions as I kept replaying the recent occurrences in my head, causing me to be in my own little world. When the bus pulled in, I barely took note of my new surroundings. Putting one foot in front of the other, I stepped onto the bus and kept my gaze down until I came to an empty seat. I slid into the cushions and pulled my hood down, trying to hide my face.

Laughter erupted around me from other students on the bus. Their faces, showing varying emotions, silently revealed hidden stories. I briefly sighed before reverting back into my inner thoughts. Someone sat down beside me and uttered, “What’s with you?”

I couldn’t help but glare as I grumbled, “Nothing.”

He grinned and poked my arm teasingly, “Liar!”

“I’m not—” I argued.

“Whatever, Lexie!” he teased playfully. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“Ian,” I growled, “If you treasure your life, then I kindly suggest that you leave me alone!”

Ian chuckled as he continuously poked my arm, “Aw, did someone miss their morning coffee?”

Narrowing my eyes to thin slits, I voiced lowly while slapping his hand away, “Ian. I’m. Not. In. The. Mood.”

At this, his face fell as he leaned forward, holding my gaze. For the next eight seconds, we didn’t move or utter a single word. Starting to shift uncomfortably, I quickly turned away, unable to look at him anymore.

“Lexie, please,” Ian spoke softly, “Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out.”

Ignoring him, I distanced myself even further. I couldn’t bring myself to explain. Even though this was important to me, it might seem pointless to others.

Ian sighed. “Lexie,” he mumbled as he leaned forward to see my face. When our eyes met, I could see concern clouding his visage.

“Look—” I started to say, biting my upper lip. “He wouldn’t understand! So why tell him?” a voice seemed to whisper throughout my thoughts.

My mind was made up as I shook my head, unwilling to face him. “I’m sorry... It’s just—It’s just that my dad invited my mom to go to church with him, and she agreed to go.”

Wanting to watch his reaction closely, I paused and sent a glance his way. But before he was able to voice a word, I suddenly blurted out, “Um, never mind. Just forget it.” With my cheeks tinged pink, I abruptly turned away from Ian yet again.

“Lexie,” he voiced gently, “please look at me.” Seconds ticked by before I slowly dragged my eyes to meet his. “Look, I don’t exactly understand how you feel, but what’s the harm with just giving your mom’s offer a shot?”

That caught my attention! He has to be joking, right? He’s my best friend, and he is telling me that I should give all this God stuff a chance?

“Ian! I’m not sure that you’re truly grasping my situation! You know what? Forget it! You simply don’t understand where I’m coming from!”

“Lexie, please—”

“NO! Ian, listen! Just leave me alone,” I whispered as a feeling of exhaustion suddenly swept over me. And with that, I lowered my hood over my eyes and slid further into the seat. Staring into space, shutting everything and everybody out. I leaned my head against the steel edge of the bus and closed my eyes.

“She’s guilty! Guilty!” my inner voice screamed. My eyes flew open as my breathing turned ragged. Feeling anxious, I forced myself to take deeper breaths. As Ian tapped my shoulder, trying to gain my attention, I swiveled my head in his direction. But I quickly turned away again and stared at the floor, all the while muttering, “I’m fine, Ian. Just leave me alone.”

Ian observed me closely, “Lexie...” he whispered. He placed a comforting hand on my forearm as he said softly, “I will never abandon you. And neither will God.”

Abundant Grace Spring 2013

Part One

The beginning of the nightmare of my life...

As if it were all playing out in slow motion, everything began to evolve in front of my eyes. One by one, the members of the jury stood to their feet with one purpose firmly planted in their hearts and minds. It was quite clear that their only goal was to rid themselves of me forever. All it took was a single glance in their direction to confirm my worst fears. I immediately knew that they truly despised me from the deepest parts of their evil hearts. Pure hatred was etched across each hardened face as they pointed their accusing fingers. In unison, the jury began to yell, "She’s guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty as charged!"

Hearing this, my heart fell. I began to realize my path was doomed. An endless stream of cold tears ran down my flushed cheeks. Broken, I stood there feeling their piercing eyes staring at me. It pained me to know that I was completely rejected by all those surrounding me.

With horror, I pleaded earnestly as I fell to my knees, "NO! NO! I'm innocent! Innocent! Please!" My shoulders began to shake violently as I continued begging, "NO! I'm innocent! You hear me, innocent! I have done nothing wrong! Please believe me!’"

But it was no use, for my desperate pleas fell on deaf ears. The sneering jury, my peers, and the glaring judge looked down upon me, unaffected by my protests. With hearts as cold as stone, the jury heartlessly professed once again, "She’s guilty! Guilty! Guilty as charged!"

Soon, the room erupted into turmoil. Finally, the judge raised his hand, quieting everyone in the room. He cleared his throat loudly and announced with a disgusted look of wrath, “I hereby proclaim that this defendant, Lexie Gunzila, has chosen her own fate by her choices and actions! She has been found guilty. The verdict is that she must spend eternity in the Black Cell!” And with that, the wooden gavel came crashing down onto the judge’s sound block causing an echo to reverberate throughout the austere courtroom.

A loud cry sounded from my throat, and before I could interject another plea, two officers roughly grabbed my arms and yanked me to my feet. As they dragged me down the hallway, I begged and beseeched, "No, this has to be a mistake! Please! Someone help me!" Slowly, I shut my eyes. A single tear rolled down my cheek, hitting the stone pathway leading to the desolate cell awaiting me.

With a quick and sudden start, I jerked upright in my bed. I let a soft scream erupt from my lips. My chest was rising and falling, and I labored to catch my breath. All the while, my azure-blue eyes darted about madly, looking for something— anything—out of place. I soon decided everything was in its rightful place. Sweat soaked my t-shirt, and my sheets were wrapped tightly around me from my fitful sleep. Slowly bringing a hand to my forehead, I closed my eyes and breathed a shaky sigh of relief. I silently slipped back beneath the comforter and, trying to reassure myself, whispered softly, "It was just a dream. Just a...dream."

"She’s guilty! Guilty!

Guilty as charged!"

Part Two

"Beep, beep, beep," sounded in the distance causing me to stir slightly. I groaned softly and flipped over onto my stomach, all the while dreaming of wild flowers dancing in a gentle breeze, sweeping over the gentle plains. Muted colors were moving slowly in my mind drawing me into a deeper slumber. It all seemed so relaxing, so blissful, so—"Beep, beep, beep!" my alarm clock echoed faster with each beep. Startled by the interruption, I bolted upright in my bed. Fumbling sleepily, I tried to locate the alarm clock, wanting to chuck it across the room to silence it forever. Not being successful, I couldn't help but grumble, "Where is it for Columbus Pete’s sake?!"

Just then my arm connected with something, and with a single forceful sweep, the clock skidded across the nightstand and fell to the floor. Once again, silence filled the air. With a sigh of contentment, I pulled the blankets up to my chin as I mumbled, "At last, peace and quiet."

But not even thirty seconds had passed when I heard my mom calling from the foot of the stairs, "Lexie! Breakfast is ready!"

Upon hearing her, I couldn't help but moan and bury my face in my pillow. I was clearly not ready to start the day. "Just a few more minutes," came my muffled reply.

"Lexie," my mom exclaimed sternly, "the bus will be here in less than thirty minutes! You'll be late for sure if you don't hurry!"

Realization suddenly hit home, so I quickly jumped out of bed making a fast beeline for the bathroom. Twenty minutes later, I emerged from my room with my backpack casually slung over my shoulder and headed downstairs to grab a bite to eat.

"Hey, Honey! Did you sleep well?" my mom asked without looking up as she dug through the kitchen drawers for a utensil. I sarcastically chuckled softly, "Not really."

At that, my mom froze and sent a worried look my way. She briefly searched my face and then inquired quietly, "It was another nightmare, wasn't it?"

Now I wished I hadn't said anything in the first place. I hated it when she did this. I hesitated slightly before nodding my head to confirm her suspicions.

Mom bit her bottom lip and began to say, "Maybe we should—"

“I’m fine, Mom!” I snapped. “They are just nightmares. It’s no big deal.” But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted saying them. She gave her usual single nod and silently turned back to finish her task.

An awkward silence hung in the air making me shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Wanting an excuse to leave, I grabbed an apple and headed toward the door muttering, "Gotta go! See you later, Mom!"

"Wait!" my mom exclaimed as she quickly turned to face me.

With my hand on the doorknob, I paused, waiting for her to finish whatever she was going to say.

"Lexie," she began slowly, toying with a dishtowel in her hands."Your father... well...he asked me to go to church with him this Sunday."

At that, my mouth fell open, and I swiveled my head around to face her. Thinking this was just a joke, I questioned, "You’re kidding, right?" But the look on her face told me otherwise. I exclaimed, "Mom! What did you tell him?"

She took a deep breath before answering, "I, umm, I told him that I would like to go."

Hearing her honest answer, I could only stare hard at the kitchen wall, grinding my teeth.

With hurt clouding her eyes, my mother pleaded, "Now I'm asking you if you would like to go with us?"

I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow and declare, a bit too hastily, "No, thanks!"

"Are you sure?" she whispered softly.

"Yes!" I literally exploded and cried, "Mom, do you honestly believe in all this God stuff?"

One look at her face told me the answer to my question before I heard her reply. Finally, she voiced quietly, "Yes, I'm starting to."

Before storming out of the house, I shook my head in disbelief and feeling as though she too were abandoning me.

"Beep, beep, beep!"

my alarm clock echoed faster

with each beep.